tale of a heartbreak

I didn't catch his name. I barely remember his face. But I know exactly how he made me feel.

Falling for him seemed unlikely, I would not have given him a second glance had he not noticed me first. But when we started talking, there was something in his eyes, in his voice, in how he smiled at me - that drew me inexplicably to him.

It was crazy - I didn't even know if he was smart, if he was cultured, if he liked novels and poetry, which I normally would like to know about a guy. But no, it was like he was already perfect in every way, I needn't know more than the fact that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

Soon, we were meeting secretly - in places I couldn't seem to remember. They never mattered anyway, everything else drowned in his presence. I could not recall anything else except the way I felt when he held me close. Soon, feelings I never thought I'd feel, consumed me - security, peace, love.

His kisses were the most tender ones I've had, and I would kiss him back passionately, determined to let him know how much he means to me. To make him feel that for the first time in my life, I'm willing to entrust my heart to someone, to share with someone else, all of me.

I was in ecstasy - no, I was in heaven.

The next events were blurry. And just like that, everything stopped. He was in front of me, looking into my eyes. It didn't take me long to realize he wasn't his usual self. His eyes were full of sadness, I could swear they were almost watery - it gleamed dramatically under the moonlight. Although he was talking with the gentlest voice, I felt the pang of every word. My chest tightened, I could no longer stop myself from crying. And looking down at where my heart used to be, I knew I was never going to be whole again.

And then he hugged me. I closed my eyes and made the most out of his warm embrace. This would be the last time I would see him, I told myself. And perhaps the last time I will ever allow anyone to be this close, and mean this much to me.


... I wake up with the heaviest feeling. I grab my phone to find out what time it is. And then I lie on my back, still as could be... staring at the ceiling for the longest time.

My fear has finally given me a glimpse of what could be. Even in my subconscious, it seemed so real. And now I'm not exactly sure how I feel.

Sigh. In the most vivid of dreams, my heart was broken for the first time. :'(

What a Saturday

I woke up extra early last Saturday - to avoid getting my head cut off by Kristi... and to help train High School students how to debate. The iSpeak seminar was rather fun, even if we overestimated the number of participants. Plus, I got to debate with a microphone again... and our team won. Woohoo.


After the seminar, since we had so much food left (courtesy of Mark who cooked everything from the pansit, to the rice, to the cookies), we decided to give them out at the boulevard. *WARM TINGLY FEELING* No seriously, it was really nice.


At 7 o'clock, I picked Kristi up from STED's to go to Jian's (21st?) birthday party. Gawd, I ate A LOT. And since I didn't really get to take any pictures (because I was busy devouring all the Leche Flan I could get my hands on - partly coz I was looking for the one Mark made and boasted about), I stole one from Jordan. Hehehe.


And after the party, I went directly to Jaimee's place (which was about 100 meters away from Jian's house) for a little bit of High School barkada reunion overnight TACO party. We prepared all the ingredients and ate our homemade tacos happily at Jaimee's terracem - remembering High School memories and talking about anything and everything under the sun (er, moon).


AND BONUS NEWS ---

I told myself long ago that I know I made it in debate when I finally get to be on any adjudication core. And guess what? I just received the news -- I'm now part of the Adj Core for the Visayas Mindanao Debate Championship in Ilo-Ilo! We (Noel, Kristi, Clyde, Micah, Thery, Jonathan and I) are leaving in three days. Can't wait to finally adjudicate in a tournament... I hope Silliman wins the Cup this year! =)

What the f*ck have you been doing lately?

With a couple bags of chips, fries and ketchup (which later found its way to Marianne's shirt), we hurried to catch the first full show of 'Wanted' at Ultravision Movie Theatre just this afternoon.


After watching Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy do the coolest way to shoot a gun, all I can say is... Whoa. I want to be an assassin too! \(T-T)/ and... I'm convinced that Angelina is a goddess.

Since I'm not really much of a movie buff and I sure as hell don't know how to write a decent review, I won't say much. Just watch it and see for yourselves.

And a bit of a tip: given that movie theatres here in Dumaguete are extra crappy and that movies are always shown later than other cities (which really annoys me), it's always best to be in the company of fun people -- watching it with Marianne and Jordan made the experience complete.

...do forgive the title of this entry. It's part of the film. =)

finally.

I miss hanging out with you.

I miss our talks.

I miss you.

Finally I don't have to avoid people who keep asking me why they haven't seen you and I together anymore.

You have no idea how relieved I am now. Thank God we're ok.

Here's to friendship and to you!

CHEERS!

Maia is back! Woohoo!

The prettiest rocker chick is back from Guam for a vacation. I missed her so much! I remember our jamming sessions back in High School - which included composing songs, shouting to sad lyrics, and waking up the neighbors at 2 am in the morning. I can't wait to tell her how far I've come playing the guitar. Haha.

Here's something I wrote 3 years ago about missing her:

Maia's home was only a few steps from mine - and I used that to my advantage. I constantly showed up at her doorstep when I found nothing worth watching on TV, when I lost interest in a book I'm almost through reading, and when I just felt like talking to someone I knew would understand my messy personality. Maia was that someone. And she never failed to open the door, flash me a smile, and ask me to come in.

A few years back, I remember seeing her differently. I was a new student then, and the moment I saw her and her posse, I regarded her as one of those popular boy-magnets who never bother to associate with people like me. The whole half-American, half-Filipino look definitely worked for her...she was the prettiest girl in class. Everybody liked her...I liked her. I recall her wearing this amazing purple dress to a party once. She was like a doll and all eyes were on her. I loved that dress. And I loved purple since.

Maia was the girl everyone wanted to be. And I would be on top of the 'everyone list'.

Not once, did it cross my mind that she'd be one of the closest people to my heart right now. I mean, I thought we were too different to be friends. I thought she was too great compared to me. Well...that's before I found out that she wasn't the person I thought she was. She wasn't a doll, she wasn't a princess... She was real. And she liked me too.

Our friendship started from there. We weren't too unlike as I perceived. She was, as a matter of fact, very similar to me. We both liked writing (we were in the Stones and Pebbles, our Elementary publication), we liked talking about monsters, we liked stickers and we liked magical creatures and fantasy stories.

In High School, we discovered more things together. 'Boys' was one of our more favorite topics back then. We always found the same boys cute. Sports, she was a soccer player, and I was baller. But we’d still talk about the 2 sports as if they were the same thing. Before, I only listened to hiphop and R&B music, but she introduced me to different types of music. Alternative was our favorite of all, the songs fit our personalities…we could emote all day. Maia was really smart too. We’d talk about current events and share our opinions like we knew everything. We’d have food trips, but then we always ended up eating at her place instead…since her mom was a killer cook. We grew closer and closer everyday. She was one of my best friends.

When I was at their house, we would stay up until 2 am in the morning just jamming and singing. We would compose crazy songs about the things that piss us off, the people we currently hate and the boys who we found shallow. We would laugh at the funny looking people who would pass by, watch corny TV shows and criticize every character (though we still watch them anyway) and have movie marathons on nonsense movies that we laugh our heads off to. Haha! Those were the days...

Then, she had to leave. Her Mom was invited to teach in the University of Guam and she had to come with. She never wanted to go, but she knew she had no choice. I had no choice either. As much as I wanted her to stay, I couldn't do anything but watch her pack and go.

But then the most painful thing I had to go through was seeing her plane take off...I didn't know when she'd come back, or if I'll see her again. I cried buckets of tears that day. I'm sure she did too.

I'm still waiting for her to come back - no matter how long it takes. And when I see her, I'll hug her so tight and tell her everything she's missed. Then, we'll sing, and compose, and hang out again...like she was never gone.

I can't wait to hang out with Maia again -- share a couple of laughs (she's so funny, swear), a couple of beers. **flashback: when we get stinking drunk in High School, Maia would take care of us - being the only one who didn't want to get wasted. **

But maybe this time, coffee would be more apt. We have lots to talk about. I have lots to tell her. =)

I look like crap, I feel like crap, I must be crap.

I woke up this morning with the worst hangover ever – last night's 'T-Way all the way' party flashed in my head and I found myself cursing at myself and regretting all the shots I drank. All of a sudden, our (Josanne and mine) brilliant plan didn't seem so brilliant anymore. Well, at least not the morning after.

I went to the bathroom and finished what was left of last night's group vomit-fest. My world spun like hell so I figured a long, LONG bath should be able to bring me back to my senses. I went back to bed, my head still throbbing - it almost made me cry. I would've wanted to fix myself a cup of coffee, but I was too scared to get up and end up going straight to the bathroom to throw up again. Gawsh.

The only good thing that came out of last night's reckless drinking (and driving, don't ask) was someone finally did what she should've done days ago. I'm really no good with sustaining anger, I realize.

(exchange of text messages)

A: How are you? (last night)

C: (replied this morning) I've been better. How bout you?

A: I'm fine. Been out a lot lately. You sound down. Are you ok?

C: Yup, I am. Been out a lot also. Am ok. I'll just see you tonight if ever you're going.

A: Ok. Missing you... :)

C: Same here. ü

A: (thinking...) I'm sorry.

C: You don't have to apologise. I understand. And it's mainly my fault anyway.

A: Don't know, I just felt the need to. I guess I've been too hard on you. I, of all people should understand what you're going through. I'm sorry.

C: We'll just talk later, ok? Don't think much about it. I expected that to happen. I know you have your limitations as well, which is why I gave you space.

A: Ya, ok...


I still felt like crap (damn hang over), but at least I found a reason to smile. And just like that, it seemed everything was going to get better. Sigh.

of alphabets and afternoon coffee

Yesterday afternoon, Aiken (out of nowhere) decided to treat Jordan and I for coffee. We didn't believe it at first, but when he told us to get our asses up and keep our laptops while he goes to the atm machine nearby to withdraw, we believed him. We went to Cafe Mamia after Aiken bought a pack of cigarettes and we indulged in our beverages and funny conversations about blogging, my maid who was apparently getting a lot of action, and a hot, conceited guy who lost all his pogi points when he pronounced Shakey's as 'sheekehs'.

After a while, two of our friends (who shall remain unnamed, haha) entered the cafe, one of whom was a former crush of mine. I immediately sat up, hoping against hope that I didn't look sloppy while they ordered inside. Fortunately enough, they sat beside our table and I nonchalantly ignored them, pretending to be so engaged in a conversation while thinking of a topic I could open up to my crush when I finally turn to 'recognize' his presence.

I ended up talking to him about his younger brother who was a close friend of mine, unknowingly spilling out a secret of his. Uh-oh. Oh well. At least I had a decent conversation with him. :D He's so hot.

***********************

Which leads me to this: I hate gays. I mean, I love gays but I hate them. Why do all intelligent, good-looking and cultured guys I know (and end up having a crush on) have to be gay? Oh yes, I'm a fag hag.

I can name 20 guys at the top of my head I had the hots for who have the hots for other men. Dammit. So, I end up being friends with them (which is the best I could hope for, apparently) and now I'm surrounded by former crushes who are now my best gay-pals.

Meet Mr. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I.

Mr. A is one of my closest pals. His ex, Mr. B is so handsome it KILLS me. Mr. B also had a past with Mr. C whose housemate, Mr. D, I have a huge crush on. Mr. D is now involved with Mr. E whose ex, Mr. F is now going out with Mr. G, whose friend Mr. H is having an affair with my ultimate dream guy, Mr. I.

Is your brain aching yet? Oh well, whatever – I have no plans of telling you who these people are anyway. And if you're planning on guessing, don't. Haha. Basta they're all happy and gay. You get my point, right?

It was an average afternoon, with good company and full of serious and crazy realizations.



....... By the way, to you, why aren't you texting me?