Strength

It's the first time I've been far from home this long. I'm in an unfamiliar place, where my existence is of no importance to anyone else. No one would care if I lock myself inside my room, or not eat for days, or cry myself to sleep. Sure, there are some who pretend they give a damn, but I know too well that they really don't. Loneliness has never been more real to me as it is now. Tomorrow, nothing will change. I will still be alone. And that thought haunts me every night.

The opportunity to be genuinely strong has presented itself. And now I have realized how weak I am. Each day, I think about escaping this harsh world, and go back to my comfort zone -- to the loving arms of my family and friends. They want me back. There, I can continue the life I put on hold.

But if I go back, then what? I would only prove how worthless I am. I have built my life fit to the lives of the people around me. I have learned to see myself through other people's eyes and not my own. I make people dictate what I should or should not do, because I couldn't make a single decent decision without messing things up. I live in others' stories in order to feel love, pain, hatred and longing, instead of making stories of my own. And when I am by myself, I am at my most vulnerable state. Empty, lonely, worthless.

I am nobody, I have to admit. And I refuse to be a nobody any longer.

I left because I had to find myself. I had to know if there's more to me than what or who I am now. I don't want to be stuck in the same old lifestyle because I'm too afraid to live a life of my own. I need to be independent, even if it entails so much sacrifice. It's time to rely on myself now, and no one else. It's tough, and I've cried buckets of tears just thinking about it.

Strength has never been one of my best assets. But at this point, being strong is the only choice I have.

I've never been this angry!

At two am, I was tossing and turning in bed. I wanted to scream so loud and just cry so hard. The turn of events had been unexpected -- and little did I know that in one fleeting moment, relationships could be destroyed. I'd like to think the conflicts were all brought about by simple misunderstandings. But something tells me that someone was bound to destroy everything.

And to that someone, I hope you're happy now. You're the most selfish person I have ever met! You're not even involved in the issue, but just coz you wanted attention, you squeezed yourself in. Because of your ka-igat, the two of them fought. Do you think we're happy with what you did last saturday? WE ALL HATED YOU! That's why I didn't tell you I was still here, because I didn't want to see you. That's why C**** didn't text you either. And we thought you'd realize your mistake, but did you? NO. You made things even worse.

Then what did you do last night, huh? You showed up again, drunk! Do you think you're helping us by doing the things you did? NO. I'm pretty sure you just wanted to be "in" on the action that's why you showed yourself last night. And you even turned R*** against us. YOU BITCH. I feel so sorry for you, you pretentious user! And what did you get out of it, huh? Did you get to KISS him? I'm sure you wanted to.

You know there are only a few people who know the REAL you. And what I don't understand is, why you hurt these people. Do you think we're always going to accept you with open arms? We have our limits. You have your limits. I shouldn't have trusted in you again. I shouldn't have befriended you again the first time we fought. I KNEW IT. You're never going to change. You will forever be dictated by your horny-ness.

We both know you're already destroying your image in once certain community. And now, you're pushing your friends away, too. I just wonder where you're going to end up. If you'll ever have real friends. Tsk. Tsk.

I know you're going to read this entry. I hope you die in that closet you're in.

Because I have nothing else to write about

Obviously, it's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Screw my promise to be an active blogger... I've been too lazy lately, and I can't think of anything decent to write about.

Then there's this --

I'm at a point in my life where I have to make an important life-changing decision. I've had an entire semester to think about it, but I've dodged the thought ceaselessly and allowed myself to live each day without thinking about anything else - not the past, and most definitely not the future. I conditioned myself to think that my mind's made up, that there's no use mulling over things because there are simply no other options. But lo and behold (as if I didn't expect it already), I am left with questions and doubts.

I just came back from Manila, where I had one of the most memorable vacations I have had ever. Not only did I discover more about my family - secrets I never thought could be hidden from me for so long - but I also was able to discover more of myself.

I've messed up over and over again - and I can't seem to stop. I'm too dependent on my parents to bail me out when things are too much for me to handle. And I turn to my friends for shelter, to make me feel that I'm still worth something, at least to them. And when I'm all alone, I do everything to preoccupy myself - to take my mind off the problems that beg for solutions. It's been the same effin cycle for years. And I'm tired. My parents are tired, too. I need to take charge of my life, one way or another.

Maybe I'll go back to school. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stay in Dumaguete, solve my problems and be done with them. Or maybe I'll start over some place else - away from people who know how much baggage I have, away from expectations that only lead to disappointments. Maybe I need to stay with the people who understand me, and just maybe, I won't find them where I am right now. Maybe I can do something to make my parents proud. But what could that be? I don't know. I'm dying to know.

So many things are running through my mind. People around me are telling me different things. But how much can I trust them? I know the final decision is up to me. But how much do I trust myself? I'm not exactly the most mature person I know. Who else can I turn to? 'God,' Odie would say. Maybe.

Reflection time. Again.

helmet shmelmet

I am so pissed.

My Mom called me frantically last night, telling me to leave the motorcycle at her office because one of her employees got caught driving his motorcycle without a helmet. And no matter how much I explained to her that the checkpoint was at the provincial hospital area -- a road I NEVER take going home, she wouldn't let me drive. Grrr.

What is even more irritating than the fact that all drivers now have to wear helmets, is that no one told us we were supposed to. My Mom said it's a new regional policy. Well, whatever. They should've informed everyone about the policy before imposing it.

Nobody in Dumaguete likes to wear helmets anyway. I mean, the university couldn't even make the students wear them, how much more the government? If I know... the cops are just trying to milk innocent people of their money. Why don't they just focus on the criminals and stop perstering everyone else?

Now my Mom wants me to wear a helmet everytime I drive. Ugh, NO EFFIN WAY! I'd rather ride the pedicab than drive around looking like a power ranger. EEEW.

Hmpf. >=/

now you want a second chance? f*ck you.

I just received five emails (all containing the same message) from a friend's ex. I wanted to delete them right away, considering there was no way in hell I was going to let my friend go near him again, but part of me wanted to know what the bastard had to say. And allow me to respond in this blog - coz I don't want to see him, or talk to him AT ALL.

I don’t know where to start and how to explain what happened to me and Sarah…. but right now what’s left is my conscience and I want to tell the truth about how I hurt her. It was all my fault…everything was my fault…. nobody to blame but ME.

--Damn right you ass, it was your fault! And you have a conscience pa pala? Sarah was crying her eyes out for you, tangina.

I cheated on Sarah these past 3 weeks when we were having problems in our relationship…I thought cheating and lying to her will make things right but I was wrong…totally wrong…

-- You were having problems and you thought cheating would make things right? STUPID.

It hurts when you lose someone important in your life…especially when you realize at the end that, that someone was there for you through ups and downs in your life, especially in the worst situations and Sarah was there for me.

-- You don't deserve her!!! Serves you right to be miserable. You liar, cheater!

All I want is a chance to correct the mistakes and the mess I’ve made... .A chance to show to Sarah what I feel right now….I love her so much….she’s all I got right now… I do pray and hope that God will give me that chance. I regret the things that I’ve done to her. All I ask from everybody is a chance to make Sarah happy again… I do hope and pray that you will forgive me and give me a chance to have Sarah back… I badly need this second chance…

-- You've had so many chances already and you blew it. You don't deserve Sarah... and I will do everything in my power to let her stay away from you. I'm sorry but I'm not allowing you to hurt her again, the way you did when you cheated on her... several times! SHAME. Eat shit you jerk!

There. I'm ok now. I hate assholes.

5:30 and tipsy

Just got home from a drinking session with Carlo, Ram and Kuya Roui. Imagine my horror to see the front door open -- then it hit me, sunrise service. Oh fuck. Kuya and I sneaked into the house quietly, but our eyes widened when we saw my Uncle sitting on the couch. Kuya was able to mutter, "Hi Lolo," and dashed to the room, leaving me in the sala. I simply smiled at him, and left immediately, hoping I could get to the room fast enough not to encounter my parents (who were preparing for the service inside their room.) Otherwise I'd have to lie, and stay as far from them as possible -- I smelled of 3 Tanduay flats and a pack of yosi. Yikes.

When I got into the room, Kuya (who was STINKIN drunk by the way) was sprawled on the bed - I locked the door and stayed inside my sister's closet. Swear. When I heard the car leave, I turned on the computer and typed this thing away.

It's been a while since I've been to Carlo's house. It's surely a notorious place for, uhm... let's say, misdeeds and odd connections. Tonight was no different. I'll spare you the details, don't worry. But I did have fun... It reminded me of the old times. But this time it was BETTER. The company was a lot better, perhaps? I don't know. Maybe.

Just wishing the rest of my Founders Celeb experience could be as fun as this one. In the meantime, I have to sleep. And think of a good explanation for my parents.

Good morning!

ramblings

Do forgive me for the long absence. I would've wanted to blog about a lot of things, but somehow, I got too lazy to write anything down.

I should be having coffee with Bernice right now, but my phone died on me again, and I couldn't find her anywhere. I'm now at my Mom's office, I came to use her phone instead. I've been waiting for an hour, but my Mom still isn't here. I've opened and checked all the networking sites I'm in, I've bloghopped already, I've watched semi-interesting videos on youTube, but I'm still bored. I want coffee. And I want to talk to Bernice. Where is my Mom??

I recently found out that I AM evil. I guess pain and anger can bring out the worst in people. I haven't been the best person lately. And I'm not proud of it. You know, I do things without thinking of the repercussions. And in the end I realize how stupid those acts were, but I couldn't do anything about them anymore. People get hurt. I feel guilty. I run away.

Haaay. And I thought I was a good person. There goes heaven. LOL.

Last night I was the person I hate the most when partying - the kill joy. What the. And I don't even know why I was so stingy. I hope no one got annoyed with me. But if some did, I wouldn't blame them. I got annoyed with me too. Imagine interrupting my friends on the dance floor and threatening them that I was going home if we weren't going to leave the place soon. And they were having fun pa ha. But they stopped dancing and went outside with me.

And now, I'm making Bernice wait because I'm writing stupid ramblings.

I'm not too happy with myself lately. I'm hating me right now. Blegh.