Monday, October 6, 2008

Because I have nothing else to write about

Obviously, it's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Screw my promise to be an active blogger... I've been too lazy lately, and I can't think of anything decent to write about.

Then there's this --

I'm at a point in my life where I have to make an important life-changing decision. I've had an entire semester to think about it, but I've dodged the thought ceaselessly and allowed myself to live each day without thinking about anything else - not the past, and most definitely not the future. I conditioned myself to think that my mind's made up, that there's no use mulling over things because there are simply no other options. But lo and behold (as if I didn't expect it already), I am left with questions and doubts.

I just came back from Manila, where I had one of the most memorable vacations I have had ever. Not only did I discover more about my family - secrets I never thought could be hidden from me for so long - but I also was able to discover more of myself.

I've messed up over and over again - and I can't seem to stop. I'm too dependent on my parents to bail me out when things are too much for me to handle. And I turn to my friends for shelter, to make me feel that I'm still worth something, at least to them. And when I'm all alone, I do everything to preoccupy myself - to take my mind off the problems that beg for solutions. It's been the same effin cycle for years. And I'm tired. My parents are tired, too. I need to take charge of my life, one way or another.

Maybe I'll go back to school. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stay in Dumaguete, solve my problems and be done with them. Or maybe I'll start over some place else - away from people who know how much baggage I have, away from expectations that only lead to disappointments. Maybe I need to stay with the people who understand me, and just maybe, I won't find them where I am right now. Maybe I can do something to make my parents proud. But what could that be? I don't know. I'm dying to know.

So many things are running through my mind. People around me are telling me different things. But how much can I trust them? I know the final decision is up to me. But how much do I trust myself? I'm not exactly the most mature person I know. Who else can I turn to? 'God,' Odie would say. Maybe.

Reflection time. Again.