Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas bonding :)

So I've been cruel to this blog. And I feel bad about neglecting it for so long. And it's coz I really have nothing to write about. Or coz I'm just too lazy. Haha. Fine. Starting next year, I'll update this as often as I could. Not for the sake of my one or two readers, but for MY sake. I need to start writing again. Twitter is killing blogs, I tell you. And I refuse to give in to twitter.

Last night, my family decided to hang out in the spirit of Christmas. Shopping -- Movie -- Ice Cream. It was great. Especially the movie part. AVATAR is awesome. :)

And on the drive home...


Anna: I can't get over the movie, it was amazing.

Eena: It was, wasn't it? Pandora was awesome.

Papa: (While driving) So, uhm. Nak, the blue people, what are they?

Anna: They're creatures from another planet. Aliens, Pa! Were you even watching the film?

Papa: Of course! So, how did that guy become an alien?

Anna: He used an avatar. AVATAR, get it? The humans bred the avatars in the lab. And then they have this machine that connects the nerves of the their brains to the bodies of their avatars. That way, they can experience the planet as locals, too.

Papa: Oh...

Anna: You still don't get it, noh?

Papa: *laughs.*

Marionne: We wasted 91 pesos on him.

Eena: As if. You slept half of the movie.

Marionne: I dozed off a little, but only during the war scene!

Anna: That was the best part!

Papa: So in the end, the guy became an alien?

Anna: Yup.

Papa: Because of the tree with the white stuff?

Mom: Ya, that was Eywa's tree.

Papa: Eywa?

Anna: Their diety, Pa.

Eena: Like Mother Nature!

Papa: Ah...

Anna: He still doesn't get it.

Papa: I haven't watched a movie in a long time.

Anna: That's not an excuse!

Eena: The last time you watched a movie, it was the one with Dingdong and Marian in it. Remember, Ma?

Anna: Eew.

Papa: It was either that or the cartoon one!

Eena: Bolt with Hannah Montana. I mean, Miley Cyrus.

Papa: I was bored.

Anna: Still, eew.

Mom: I thought you like Dingdong?

Anna: But not Marian. And I will never watch movies like that, noh.

Eena: But didn't you want to watch 'I Love You, Goodbye'?

Anna: That's different.

Marionne: How is it different?

Anna: Excuse me, let's go back to Papa not understanding Avatar, please.



Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Outside his room

Tonight I find myself outside his room, staring at the wooden door I know too well. If it were any other night, I would've just called him and asked him to open his door. But tonight is different, and maybe coming here is a mistake. He probably doesn't want to talk to me. Or see me, even. I'm not sure if I want to see or talk to me if I were in his shoes. But I need to see him. I need to know if he's alright, I need to hug him, to kiss him. I'm asking for too much.

I know saying sorry would be futile. I couldn't possibly ease the pain I've caused him. And I know even if he forgives me (which is a long shot), things would never be the same. I messed up, that I'm sure of. But for what reason? Even I don't know.

I'm positive I don't love James. I don't. It's just the way he made me feel about myself - that's what I loved. He made me see things in a different light. And he made so much sense, even sense out of my worthless life. He was a breath of fresh air, someone new. Someone interesting. I was drawn to him. But I know I don't love him. I don't. And that's what makes this situation all the more difficult.

It's drizzling now. I've been outside his room for nearly an hour. Maybe coming her isn't a mistake. Because as I dwell on things, I realize I don't need James to make me feel I'm worth anything. I don't need him to make me feel good about myself. Because behind this door, is a person who thinks and feels I'm worth enough to love, and no one else has made me happier. But I hurt him. I lied about James, and that hurt him. He thinks I chose James. I hurt him. I hurt him. And I couldn't take it back.

I start to cry, and even if he sees me now, he wouldn't know. He'll probably think it's just the rain. He probably thinks I don't care about him anymore.

I wish he could hear my heart through this door. Then he'd know how I truly feel. But he couldn't. I stifle a sob. I don't want him to hear me, or see me. I'm afraid he will only look at me with disgust. My heart might not be able to take it. It's already too heavy as it is. I turn around and start to leave. I cry harder. This will be etched in my memory forever.

Tonight, I'm walking away from the one I truly love. Because my heart knows he deserves so much more than a messed up person like me.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Vampire Mania

I blame Twilight. Carlo wants a vampire lover now. And some part of me wants one too, if he's as hot as Damon Salvatore. And if he has no plans of drinking my blood.

I've been watching (and enjoying) True Blood and The Vampire Diaries. The two shows couldn't be any more different from each other, but I love both just the same. True Blood is dark and sexy. In the series, vampires have been accepted as part of the society - which I think is totally original. But aside from that, the show tackles deep issues as well, including discrimination, religion, drugs, politics, etc.

The Vampire Diaries is more like the typical vampire story we all know. A small town. A 'good' vampire falls in love with a human but does not tell her his true identity. But the truth comes to her anyway. The vampire then serves as her protector, but is also conflicted with the temptation of her blood. To be honest, I didn't like the first few episodes, they were very One Tree Hill-ish - too much teen drama. But as I kept on watching, there was something about the series that was charming, and deep. Plus, they're all HOT. Haha.

Oh, and I can't wait for New Moon. For all you Twilight haters out there, don't hate. It's just entertainment. If you don't like it, don't watch. It's that simple.

Vampires. Cool. =)

(Oh, and if you want to watch the series online, check out yidio or salloumi.)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I'm trying to resuscitate this blog

I should've been out of the house an hour ago. Yet here I am, stuck in my parents' room, trying to make the most out of the time my Mom's holding me captive, and that's until Pinoy Henyo is over. I have to bring her to work every afternoon - 2:30. Miko has been waiting for more than an hour now. =/

I want to resuscitate this blog. Just coz when I tried to access this earlier, I was led to a page saying that my blog has been removed, and I almost fainted. I didn't know they could do that. Thankfully, I changed my password and I found my blog again. YAY.

I'll talk about the filmfest later. But for now, buh-bye.

Monday, January 19, 2009


It's the first time I've been far from home this long. I'm in an unfamiliar place, where my existence is of no importance to anyone else. No one would care if I lock myself inside my room, or not eat for days, or cry myself to sleep. Sure, there are some who pretend they give a damn, but I know too well that they really don't. Loneliness has never been more real to me as it is now. Tomorrow, nothing will change. I will still be alone. And that thought haunts me every night.

The opportunity to be genuinely strong has presented itself. And now I have realized how weak I am. Each day, I think about escaping this harsh world, and go back to my comfort zone -- to the loving arms of my family and friends. They want me back. There, I can continue the life I put on hold.

But if I go back, then what? I would only prove how worthless I am. I have built my life fit to the lives of the people around me. I have learned to see myself through other people's eyes and not my own. I make people dictate what I should or should not do, because I couldn't make a single decent decision without messing things up. I live in others' stories in order to feel love, pain, hatred and longing, instead of making stories of my own. And when I am by myself, I am at my most vulnerable state. Empty, lonely, worthless.

I am nobody, I have to admit. And I refuse to be a nobody any longer.

I left because I had to find myself. I had to know if there's more to me than what or who I am now. I don't want to be stuck in the same old lifestyle because I'm too afraid to live a life of my own. I need to be independent, even if it entails so much sacrifice. It's time to rely on myself now, and no one else. It's tough, and I've cried buckets of tears just thinking about it.

Strength has never been one of my best assets. But at this point, being strong is the only choice I have.