Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Outside his room

Tonight I find myself outside his room, staring at the wooden door I know too well. If it were any other night, I would've just called him and asked him to open his door. But tonight is different, and maybe coming here is a mistake. He probably doesn't want to talk to me. Or see me, even. I'm not sure if I want to see or talk to me if I were in his shoes. But I need to see him. I need to know if he's alright, I need to hug him, to kiss him. I'm asking for too much.

I know saying sorry would be futile. I couldn't possibly ease the pain I've caused him. And I know even if he forgives me (which is a long shot), things would never be the same. I messed up, that I'm sure of. But for what reason? Even I don't know.

I'm positive I don't love James. I don't. It's just the way he made me feel about myself - that's what I loved. He made me see things in a different light. And he made so much sense, even sense out of my worthless life. He was a breath of fresh air, someone new. Someone interesting. I was drawn to him. But I know I don't love him. I don't. And that's what makes this situation all the more difficult.

It's drizzling now. I've been outside his room for nearly an hour. Maybe coming her isn't a mistake. Because as I dwell on things, I realize I don't need James to make me feel I'm worth anything. I don't need him to make me feel good about myself. Because behind this door, is a person who thinks and feels I'm worth enough to love, and no one else has made me happier. But I hurt him. I lied about James, and that hurt him. He thinks I chose James. I hurt him. I hurt him. And I couldn't take it back.

I start to cry, and even if he sees me now, he wouldn't know. He'll probably think it's just the rain. He probably thinks I don't care about him anymore.

I wish he could hear my heart through this door. Then he'd know how I truly feel. But he couldn't. I stifle a sob. I don't want him to hear me, or see me. I'm afraid he will only look at me with disgust. My heart might not be able to take it. It's already too heavy as it is. I turn around and start to leave. I cry harder. This will be etched in my memory forever.

Tonight, I'm walking away from the one I truly love. Because my heart knows he deserves so much more than a messed up person like me.

No comments: