Monday, January 19, 2009


It's the first time I've been far from home this long. I'm in an unfamiliar place, where my existence is of no importance to anyone else. No one would care if I lock myself inside my room, or not eat for days, or cry myself to sleep. Sure, there are some who pretend they give a damn, but I know too well that they really don't. Loneliness has never been more real to me as it is now. Tomorrow, nothing will change. I will still be alone. And that thought haunts me every night.

The opportunity to be genuinely strong has presented itself. And now I have realized how weak I am. Each day, I think about escaping this harsh world, and go back to my comfort zone -- to the loving arms of my family and friends. They want me back. There, I can continue the life I put on hold.

But if I go back, then what? I would only prove how worthless I am. I have built my life fit to the lives of the people around me. I have learned to see myself through other people's eyes and not my own. I make people dictate what I should or should not do, because I couldn't make a single decent decision without messing things up. I live in others' stories in order to feel love, pain, hatred and longing, instead of making stories of my own. And when I am by myself, I am at my most vulnerable state. Empty, lonely, worthless.

I am nobody, I have to admit. And I refuse to be a nobody any longer.

I left because I had to find myself. I had to know if there's more to me than what or who I am now. I don't want to be stuck in the same old lifestyle because I'm too afraid to live a life of my own. I need to be independent, even if it entails so much sacrifice. It's time to rely on myself now, and no one else. It's tough, and I've cried buckets of tears just thinking about it.

Strength has never been one of my best assets. But at this point, being strong is the only choice I have.

1 comment:

Aiken said...

shiet.... kahilakon ko ani ai. speechless... but mam, dont u fret. life is vulnerable and you have to watch out. life can easilly be confined in a box and when it's already in there, it's hard to get out... so think think think... go out there, smoke, write, read, and do whatever it takes for you not to fall and lose your self. ok? ok????? mwuah! love u.