Monday, October 6, 2008

Because I have nothing else to write about

Obviously, it's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Screw my promise to be an active blogger... I've been too lazy lately, and I can't think of anything decent to write about.

Then there's this --

I'm at a point in my life where I have to make an important life-changing decision. I've had an entire semester to think about it, but I've dodged the thought ceaselessly and allowed myself to live each day without thinking about anything else - not the past, and most definitely not the future. I conditioned myself to think that my mind's made up, that there's no use mulling over things because there are simply no other options. But lo and behold (as if I didn't expect it already), I am left with questions and doubts.

I just came back from Manila, where I had one of the most memorable vacations I have had ever. Not only did I discover more about my family - secrets I never thought could be hidden from me for so long - but I also was able to discover more of myself.

I've messed up over and over again - and I can't seem to stop. I'm too dependent on my parents to bail me out when things are too much for me to handle. And I turn to my friends for shelter, to make me feel that I'm still worth something, at least to them. And when I'm all alone, I do everything to preoccupy myself - to take my mind off the problems that beg for solutions. It's been the same effin cycle for years. And I'm tired. My parents are tired, too. I need to take charge of my life, one way or another.

Maybe I'll go back to school. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stay in Dumaguete, solve my problems and be done with them. Or maybe I'll start over some place else - away from people who know how much baggage I have, away from expectations that only lead to disappointments. Maybe I need to stay with the people who understand me, and just maybe, I won't find them where I am right now. Maybe I can do something to make my parents proud. But what could that be? I don't know. I'm dying to know.

So many things are running through my mind. People around me are telling me different things. But how much can I trust them? I know the final decision is up to me. But how much do I trust myself? I'm not exactly the most mature person I know. Who else can I turn to? 'God,' Odie would say. Maybe.

Reflection time. Again.

4 comments:

f. jordan said...

yeah! you should post more often than us... skwela na next sem oi!you've got loads of time! hehe...

anna katrina said...

hehehe. I will... I will... =)

Odie said...

Hey anna! amazing that you would still remember me at the end of your post. Well, i guess youve got to make that decision soon. You could save yourself from all that pain and guilt, and im sure you already know WHO to turn to. No condemnation, anna. You can always start with a clean slate, if you're willing to.

Odie said...

so what did you finally decide to do?